Random notes that are 6 years old

While visiting Washington for the first time in 2 ½ years, I found myself looking through the stuff of mine in my parents basement, thumbing through and deciding what could be brought back with us, I found a journal of mine.  There were entries, day after day, from Day 1 to Day 90, each day had the most random nonsensical  things listed.  Such as: Ann Marie drive, will get refund for ticket, toothpaste, Marcel, Trail Mix, Mike email, Sleep in, heated blanket, Free Dinner, quiet house.  Oddly, I had NO MEMORY of making such entries, but it intrigues me, so I want to figure out why.

I took the journal with me, and have looked at it again and again.  It could be that the entries are from Lent (which I used to do, but haven’t in the past few years), Day 1 is Feb 4 and Day 90 is May 12.  Based on the people I randomly mention, this must have been from 2008.  Quick internet search later- Easter was on March 23, 2008, but Lent Started on Feb 6, 2008.  So it is possible maybe these entries had something to do with Lent but I continued to do them after Easter, when Lent was over.

I do remember this period of my life.  I was desperate for a change, for God to show up, to move, to move in me, for something to be different.   I was working as a data entry slave at a yarn wholesaler.  I worked with vulgar heathens who were really really mean; my job put overwhelming constant pain in both my wrists and shoulders, something I still struggle with 6 years after the fact.  I was lonely.  I wanted to be dating…and on my way to being married.  I needed my life to be better, really badly.

These random notes each day are really, when I look closer at them, the small little things which brightened up my day.  They were the things I was grateful for, so that I wouldn’t only focus on the negativity which was overwhelming me but also on the small joys, which would help me to see what God was doing in my life.   I wasn’t forgotten.  And now, 6 years later, when I look at these daily notes I can see that during this period of my life, where I really needed God to show up and come through for me—He DID!  It was during this period of time, I met Mike!  My husband!  My life was forever changed during this period of time.  I can even look and see that on the day when Mike and I had our first date, the things I was grateful for was: no snow on the road this morning, slow day at work, email from mike, erin, don’t have CPR training or liability insurance, it’s Friday, a week from payday and BSF spring break.  

I also have a brief play by play of other things that happened on days when Mike told me he likes me, he REALLY likes me, on the day when we became boyfriend and girlfriend, etc.    It is kind of sweet to look back on the random things.

But more importantly I feel inspired, to do this type of journaling and fasting again.  I talked to Mike about it and we are going to journal and fast together.  During Lent we are going to be fasting from Netflix and Facebook.  I’m excited to see how God is going to show up for us this time, as a family.  How much closer we are going to be with Him during this time.  What He is going to show us and how our lives are going to change.  Cause even though I’m not in such a desperate place as before, it is never a bad thing to step it up during your pursuit of God.

Spirtual insight by way of groceries

This week as I brought home 5 bags of groceries, I laid them on the floor of our apartment, preparing to put them away.  I was grateful that I did not have Logan with me at the store, he's in the climbing out of your cart, pulling items off the shelf and pushing every button possible on the debit card transaction phase.

Logan was glad to see me again and after a hug was immediately interested in what I had brought home.  I handed him the 3 pack of tissues and said it was special- just for him to play with....for now.  His contentment with the 'gift' I had given him was brief.  Lasting less then 20 seconds.  He was so interested in what ELSE mommy had brought home.  I gave him two water bottles to play with.  Water bottles have long been a favorite toy, they have the perfect size top to easily be a teething toy and they squeeze and make cool  noises, surely this will keep his attention longer.....nope.   On to the next thing. 

This continued at I put away the things I really didn't want him having- raw meat.   But soon it became obvious that as I made 'gifts' available to him to play with, he didn't want them anymore.  He only wanted the forbidden fruit, which ended up being the Soft Scrub with Bleach.  So rarely do I buy chemicals, we usually just use vinegar to disinfect everything, but the soap scum (and Logan trying to suck off the soap scum) in the bathtub was a problem which only Soft Scrub could solve. 

Away the Soft Scrub went into a closet and a temper tantrum followed.  SOOOO much upsetness over something that was dangerous to play with.  But it kind of got me thinking....how often do I want something from God, but as soon as I get it, my contentment is so low, that when I have it in my hands, I am immediately onto the next coveted item?  Logan's impulsive attention span had parallel to my joy and happiness from the gifts God gives me.  How often do I fall into the always wanting more category?  More tissues and water bottles God!!! NOW!   But really are tissues or water bottles what I need?  Asking more of God isn't necessarily bad, provision, blessing, healing, and learning to love people better are all good things.  But how often do I overlook the little things, which end up adding up to big things because I have my eyes so fixated on the Soft Scrub?  It is too easy to overlook what He has given me when I so desperately want Soft Scrub. 

The Soft Scrub of my life is probably being out of debt.  For years I have prayed in desperation for a miracle to be out of debt.   I think perhaps I should change my prayer to God help me to be prepared to be out of debt.    Because as Logan is too young to use Soft Scrub correctly, in 7 years, he would be old enough to use it without me having to hide it from him.  He wants it but isn't ready for it.  God help me to be ready for what I long for most and in the mean time.  Let me thoroughly enjoy and play with all the tissues and waterbottles in my life that you give me to play with.  Let me sing Your praises to others for the gifts You give me.  Help me to cherish the current blessings and not have my eyes so fixated on what I can't have right now.  And thank you for letting me see a lesson in something as simple as coming home from the grocery store.  Amen