Post Lent reflections

For Lent, Mike and I gave up Netflix and Facebook.  I did journaling of random notes about what I was grateful for or what good things happened that day. Even though Lent is long past now, I am still continuing the journaling.   I do it at the end of the day, a way to try and not go to bed on a sour note feeling like everything went wrong that day. 

Last time I did Lent and the journaling, God showed up for me.  It was a desperate time in my life.  I needed God to show up for me in a big way.  He did-it was during that time period I met Mike—and my life was drastically different ever since.

This year during Lent and through to now, several major things have happened where I really feel like God has showed up for us. 

First, we went to a spiritual revival of sorts weekend in early March.  It was several sessions over several days.  God really spoke to both Mike and I.  Some of the stuff was conviction about sin in our lives, some really good things- like opening up my heart and giving me overwhelming love for Logan when he needs me in the middle of the night (which previously my heart was kind of filled with anger and resentment during our nightly time together while he was screaming).  Also during that weekend, it was the first weekend where I was filled with the Holy Spirit to a point where I fell on the floor, it was a little strange but good at the same time.  It was not this sensational experience I was just waiting-in line to be prayed for but also waiting for what God had for me and when I was prayed for I was filled with this overwhelming peace- it was amazing.  Especially because I have really been struggling with anxiety-to a point where taking some natural remedies for anxiety is a crutch to sleep or relax in any amount.  Peace from God is pretty amazing.  Also when I fell down, I had a vision of our family.  There were 5 of us (Mike, Me and three kids), on a porch of our house.   It was a two story house, which those great beautiful pillars which held the deck separated from the top floor, with a garage.  Also I was impressed upon that this house not only was ours but was ours without debt- we were debt free from student loans and the house loan.   Reasons why this vision is meaningful: Logan has been a difficult child.  I could go on, but I want to leave it at that and for that reason, we were unsure if we even really wanted another one or not, let alone 3 total children.  It would take an act of God to make me want 3 kids- let alone 2.   I had written off us ever owning a house, let alone a debt free house, let alone a really nice 2 story house with a garage with a deck I have always dreamt of.  And with the student loans, although I pray daily for a miracle, the realty of a miracle when you have constantly prayed for one for 5 years is a hope that is pretty small.

Secondly, to accompany the joy God has given me while I am up at night with Logan for hours; I have been trying to be more responsive to God talking to me and His leading.  Often I feel like God speaks to me best when my mind is not running so loudly or crazily which tends to drown him out.  This is most of the time, in the middle of the night, as I’m sitting up with Logan.  One of these times, it had been 2 ½ hrs, and I was especially exhausted, this time came to me, LOUD and CLEAR.  3:48pm.  Why would a time be important?  I couldn’t shake it.   In Alaska, we don’t have a lottery but there is a large pool of people who bet on when the river ice will break up.  I felt like God was telling me the time the river would break up.  He didn’t give me a day though.  I guessed, only buying 2 tickets, on 2 separate days both at 3:48pm.   My days came and went---but the day after the day I bought my second ticket, the river broke up.  At 3:48pm.  Both Mike and I went through our several stages of grief.  Why would God tell me the time, but not the day?  After a long process, much too long to list here, I feel like God was telling us, that blessing is coming for us and coming soon but not yet.  That it was an encouragement—not a discouragement.  Later we found out that there were actually 25 winners, each winner, after taxes only got about 10k.  It would have been much more heartbreaking to only get 10k after thinking you were finally delivered and won 360k.

Thirdly, Logan started sleeping all night!!!!! It was about 17 ½ months old.  It took me weaning him, him bonding with a stuffed animal and I stopped going in to check on him every 15 minutes when it was his nap time.  But more importantly God did it!  He still occasionally wakes up.  He is currently cutting more teeth, but 90% of the time he doesn’t wake up where he needs me, which is amazing.  I don’t know how I survived so long with him needed me so much at night.

Fourthly, our family is growing, from 3 to 4.  No, it was not a surprise.  Both Mike and I went through a detox (something I had never gone through but wanted my system to be clean before we tried to get pregnant again).  At the tail end of our detox, there was a 2 day window before Mike was leaving to go to Washington to help a friend move up here.  And that was enough.  I was really surprised it was so quick because it took us almost a year for Logan; I thought it would be longer.  Anyway, we are excited.  I knew I was probably pregnant long before I was late because I was at a garage sale and I lost the ability to do math and add up the things I was buying.  When I’m pregnant I lose all ability to do math, normally I am exceptionally good at math.  So far things have been pretty good, only moments of nausea which passes, I do get tired pretty easily and  I’m really grumpy though, probably because I can’t sleep well.  We just got a new bed so hopefully that will help with that but I am also having trouble sleeping because I’m ravenously hungry in the middle of the night.   I’ll avoid TMI, but during the time we got pregnant, I ovulated twice, so maybe its twins and that is why I’m so hungry and I passed the pregnancy test so early.  We’ve known since I was just at 4 weeks.  I’m due at the end of January.

And I’m still journaling each night, waiting on God to see how He’s going to show up again and again.  I’m excited about what He’s doing in our lives.  And I’m excited to share it with y’all because sharing what God is doing in your life, brings Him glory.

Random notes that are 6 years old

While visiting Washington for the first time in 2 ½ years, I found myself looking through the stuff of mine in my parents basement, thumbing through and deciding what could be brought back with us, I found a journal of mine.  There were entries, day after day, from Day 1 to Day 90, each day had the most random nonsensical  things listed.  Such as: Ann Marie drive, will get refund for ticket, toothpaste, Marcel, Trail Mix, Mike email, Sleep in, heated blanket, Free Dinner, quiet house.  Oddly, I had NO MEMORY of making such entries, but it intrigues me, so I want to figure out why.

I took the journal with me, and have looked at it again and again.  It could be that the entries are from Lent (which I used to do, but haven’t in the past few years), Day 1 is Feb 4 and Day 90 is May 12.  Based on the people I randomly mention, this must have been from 2008.  Quick internet search later- Easter was on March 23, 2008, but Lent Started on Feb 6, 2008.  So it is possible maybe these entries had something to do with Lent but I continued to do them after Easter, when Lent was over.

I do remember this period of my life.  I was desperate for a change, for God to show up, to move, to move in me, for something to be different.   I was working as a data entry slave at a yarn wholesaler.  I worked with vulgar heathens who were really really mean; my job put overwhelming constant pain in both my wrists and shoulders, something I still struggle with 6 years after the fact.  I was lonely.  I wanted to be dating…and on my way to being married.  I needed my life to be better, really badly.

These random notes each day are really, when I look closer at them, the small little things which brightened up my day.  They were the things I was grateful for, so that I wouldn’t only focus on the negativity which was overwhelming me but also on the small joys, which would help me to see what God was doing in my life.   I wasn’t forgotten.  And now, 6 years later, when I look at these daily notes I can see that during this period of my life, where I really needed God to show up and come through for me—He DID!  It was during this period of time, I met Mike!  My husband!  My life was forever changed during this period of time.  I can even look and see that on the day when Mike and I had our first date, the things I was grateful for was: no snow on the road this morning, slow day at work, email from mike, erin, don’t have CPR training or liability insurance, it’s Friday, a week from payday and BSF spring break.  

I also have a brief play by play of other things that happened on days when Mike told me he likes me, he REALLY likes me, on the day when we became boyfriend and girlfriend, etc.    It is kind of sweet to look back on the random things.

But more importantly I feel inspired, to do this type of journaling and fasting again.  I talked to Mike about it and we are going to journal and fast together.  During Lent we are going to be fasting from Netflix and Facebook.  I’m excited to see how God is going to show up for us this time, as a family.  How much closer we are going to be with Him during this time.  What He is going to show us and how our lives are going to change.  Cause even though I’m not in such a desperate place as before, it is never a bad thing to step it up during your pursuit of God.

Spirtual insight by way of groceries

This week as I brought home 5 bags of groceries, I laid them on the floor of our apartment, preparing to put them away.  I was grateful that I did not have Logan with me at the store, he's in the climbing out of your cart, pulling items off the shelf and pushing every button possible on the debit card transaction phase.

Logan was glad to see me again and after a hug was immediately interested in what I had brought home.  I handed him the 3 pack of tissues and said it was special- just for him to play with....for now.  His contentment with the 'gift' I had given him was brief.  Lasting less then 20 seconds.  He was so interested in what ELSE mommy had brought home.  I gave him two water bottles to play with.  Water bottles have long been a favorite toy, they have the perfect size top to easily be a teething toy and they squeeze and make cool  noises, surely this will keep his attention longer.....nope.   On to the next thing. 

This continued at I put away the things I really didn't want him having- raw meat.   But soon it became obvious that as I made 'gifts' available to him to play with, he didn't want them anymore.  He only wanted the forbidden fruit, which ended up being the Soft Scrub with Bleach.  So rarely do I buy chemicals, we usually just use vinegar to disinfect everything, but the soap scum (and Logan trying to suck off the soap scum) in the bathtub was a problem which only Soft Scrub could solve. 

Away the Soft Scrub went into a closet and a temper tantrum followed.  SOOOO much upsetness over something that was dangerous to play with.  But it kind of got me thinking....how often do I want something from God, but as soon as I get it, my contentment is so low, that when I have it in my hands, I am immediately onto the next coveted item?  Logan's impulsive attention span had parallel to my joy and happiness from the gifts God gives me.  How often do I fall into the always wanting more category?  More tissues and water bottles God!!! NOW!   But really are tissues or water bottles what I need?  Asking more of God isn't necessarily bad, provision, blessing, healing, and learning to love people better are all good things.  But how often do I overlook the little things, which end up adding up to big things because I have my eyes so fixated on the Soft Scrub?  It is too easy to overlook what He has given me when I so desperately want Soft Scrub. 

The Soft Scrub of my life is probably being out of debt.  For years I have prayed in desperation for a miracle to be out of debt.   I think perhaps I should change my prayer to God help me to be prepared to be out of debt.    Because as Logan is too young to use Soft Scrub correctly, in 7 years, he would be old enough to use it without me having to hide it from him.  He wants it but isn't ready for it.  God help me to be ready for what I long for most and in the mean time.  Let me thoroughly enjoy and play with all the tissues and waterbottles in my life that you give me to play with.  Let me sing Your praises to others for the gifts You give me.  Help me to cherish the current blessings and not have my eyes so fixated on what I can't have right now.  And thank you for letting me see a lesson in something as simple as coming home from the grocery store.  Amen

Dad at 4.5 months

   Wow, 4 and 1/2 months since Logan came into the world. Mike here by the way. It is crazy to think that I am a father now. It is still a little strange, but satisfying. Logan is beginning to be more interactive and to comprehend more, which is neat. He smiles when he sees me, laughs, and giggles at my silliness. Pretty neat. I am working on reading to him every night. He still wants his mom to be around more, and cries (screams actually) when she is gone. I am told this is quite normal, but I hope he gets out of that phase lol.

   Next week is also special for another reason... it is Kim and my 4 year anniversary! Very exciting. We are going out to a nice steak dinner, and going on a little trip too, which will be fun. This year will be different as we will bringing Logan along. That changes everything lol. I am blessed to have such a great wife, and am looking forward to many years ahead.

   Work is going well. Patient get better, new patients come in. Good stuff. Back on the subject of Logan, he started eating this week! He has been really interested in food, and we began giving him "rice cereal"- baby rice grind in breastmilk. He loves it, and has given us no problems. Because of all of the stories I have heard about bad early eating experiences, this is quite the breath of fresh air. I will try to write sooner next time, and will keep you updated on his developments, as well as my own!

   -Mike

Motherly Reflections

Kim here- I think both Mike and I have failed when it comes to updating this blog on a regular basis.  Sorry about that, I feel like most days, I'm lucky if I remember to brush my teeth, I feel like I rarely have time to myself.  Logan is a very needy baby.  It is hard to say if that is just his personality or the whole traumatic birth thing, I hope and pray he doesn't remember his birth, though Mike and I know at least 1 person as an adult who does remember their birth.

He is stubborn and hates to sleep without me, or be where he can't see me, or that I talk on the phone or do anything that doesn't involve him.  Now that he is finally 3 months old and that "fourth trimester" is over, it is time to start breaking him of bad habits.  If nothing else....I realize I'm being selfish and I need a few moments throughout the day to myself.  To regain sanity...and patience and endurance with dealing with Logan...which should make me a better mother, even if I'm being selfish for wanting a few moments to myself.   Ironically, while pregnant I was insanely worried that Logan would not like me.  Turns out, he likes me too much.

Today is day 4 of trying to get him to sleep by himself in his crib during nap time.  It took about the same amount of time yesterday and today to get him to fall asleep- 40 minutes or so.  He will only sleep for about an hour by himself before he wakes up and wants attention...or food.  I am relishing this moment of alone time...though I probably should be napping myself since I only got 1 hr of sleep last night.  In trying to break him of sleeping with me, last night was a fitful night of him refusing to sleep with or without me.  Hopefully not many more days like this lay ahead of me and perhaps he will realize sleeping with sock monkey, cuddle blanket and a pacifier is way more fun then sleeping with Mom- which just tends to make him sweaty and gross.

1-1-13  Logan sleeping on Mike

As I have hours and hours of free time during the night where I sit and nurse him, I've been trying to be productive with my time, reflecting and praying.   It occurs to me that Logan is in a phase right now of unconditional love.  I may get mad at him, refuse to listen to him or put him in time out (which is really a time out for ME) and it doesn't matter what the offense and soon as I pick him up all is forgiven, there is no grudge held against me.  I know it won't always be the case, I'm trying to appreciate his open forgiveness.  Likewise, how much so, do I take for granted God's unending forgiveness and love?  When I mistreat Him, put Him in time out, ignore Him...OF COURSE He is willing and waiting for me to pick Him up again and spend time together.  I'm grateful God doesn't hold grudges for my misbehavior.

Small steps toward larger goals

As I type this, Logan is sleeping on the couch, my himself and has been there for the last 23 minutes alone.  (I have been 5 feet away, in case he wakes up. And he just did, I'll just type with him in the baby back pack.)  Those precious 23 minutes have been the only time he has slept alone, except for when he's in his car seat, since before Thanksgiving. 

Being a mom is harder then I ever imagined- I imagined a sort of babysitting where the baby never went home because he already was home.   Trying to create structure and give Logan what he needs and is good for him is hard.   I started with on demand style.  If he was hungry, I fed him, if he was sleepy, I let him sleep.  Honestly this was the easier of the 2 options because I was so wiped out from the labor and birth that I didn't even remember what day it was and to remember times to create a schedule was impossible for me.  But as he develops, I'm noticing things happen slowly.  Like there isn't just one moment where he started smiling, he built up to it, gradually using the muscles.  Now he's slowly spacing out his feedings, he's still eating very often but most of the feedings throughout the day are more snacks then real meals...

I had been noticing he's been SUPER upset when he wakes up from his short sleeps in the afternoon, so I've been trying to initiate a regular nap time for him- 2-4pm, I will try to sleep with him and he can sleep in the backpack until 5 if he's still tried.  Yesterday this worked beautifully and we had a much better day and evening with a happy baby.  Today....well, we'll have to see.  He's been crying and fighting the last 30 minutes of his nap since I put him in the back pack.

Back to his issues sleeping, he has had colic, with the strong suggestion of a lactation nurse, I have been on the elimination diet- avoiding the 5 major allergens which include 90% of all allergies.  So no wheat, dairy, eggs, soy and nuts for me.  It has been hard but his improvement in gas and happiness has made it much easier.  I've been doing this for 2 weeks, one more week and then 1 food per week I get to add back into my diet so we can tell what it is which he has issues with.  I'm probably going to start with eggs or wheat because those are what is least likely to be the problem and ending with dairy, which before I started this diet I was already avoiding because it made him cry nonstop for about 4 hrs, 13 hrs after I ate it.  This diet has helped with issues feeding him, he was pulling back and crying for most of the feeding, twitching and not being calm, he will restfully eat now which is great...too bad he has acid reflux too.  He's had medicine for that since last Friday and we were told it will gradually begin to help over time.  I ordered some sleeping wedges for him and those were delivered to Mike's work today.  Hopefully all these small steps can help us go toward the goal of having Logan sleep by himself-for any amount of time but ideally a 5 to 6 hr stretch at night.

He's also refused to take a bottle...I go through spells where I try daily to get him to take it (if I let him cry for a while first, I can get him to take it for about an ounce) and then I forget about it for a while and try again.  A friend is going to take him on Friday night for 4 hrs while Mike and I have a date and go see the Hobbit and she is going to try to get him to take the bottle.  Hopefully she will have some success.

Despite his issues with food and eating, he has grown really well at 11 lbs 14 oz yesterday when he went to the doctor. I find myself putting away not just the newborn size clothes but also the 0-3 month size as well, those could fit but mainly are too tight on his head to get them on and the pants look like cropped off pants, which could work in summer but it is winter in Alaska. 
-Kim

Christmas and New year

   Hello from Alaska and the Johnson family. Mike here, just wanting to wish everyone a merry Christmas and happy New Year! We had a terrific one here. Kim got a matching ring to her wedding ring and engagement ring for having Logan, and I got an awesome new pair of gloves and a DVD burner, which is cool. Logan got a ridiculous amount of gifts (thank you everyone), too many to list. Just know he is well taken care of by friends and family everywhere! We enjoyed our family tradition of singing happy birthday to Jesus, and then we went through how a lot of modern Christmas traditions came to be. We also had some great face time with Kim's family, and some good phone time with mine. I hope I can skype with my family soon!

   As for New Year's, it was CRAZY here. I had no idea how big of a deal fireworks are here. People were double parked on the ROADS in town. People had bonfires going in snowy areas in town. Stuff you would never see anywhere else. Also, it warmed up to really really warm temperatures today. It got up to 32 above zero at our house, which is 75 degrees warmer then it was 2 weeks ago. I went out with no coat, gloves, or hat at one point, and it felt like summer to me. It is a nice break before we plunge back into cold. It is also nice to be back up to almost 4 hours of sunlight per day, and gaining daily. In only 4-5 months, it will  be spring again.

   No New Year's resolutions for us here though. Just resolutions. To be good parents, to be a good family, and to love God and others through the year. Paying off loans would be good too haha. Well, more pictures and things to come, but just know we had a fun New Year. We went to our church and talked and hung out (and I played my fair share of Foosball). Here's to another good year with a great family, awesome friends, and abundant blessings. And here's to your New Year friends and family; blessings on all of you this year!

    The Johnson Family